Can you read this and tell me what's lacking? (1)

1 Name: trolololol : 2011-07-18 00:20 ID:dxmqejE3

This is my first attempt at writing a possessive relationship. You can visit my journal: quillor.livejournal.com and please give me a constructive criticism about what's lacking! The fic is called Unbreakable - no, this is not advertising, I just need a few anonymous voices to tell me what's wrong so that I can fix my errors and be more confident about this fic.
Sorry if it's not the right place to ask for criticism.

Btw, it's a Daybreakers fanfic, so if you're a fan of this movie, it will even be better for me. thx.

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