Little Writing Exercises You do for Fun (3)

1 Name: Anonymous : 2010-06-02 18:17 ID:pvWzRE2W

Exactly what it says on the tin. This is copypasta'd from a Word Doc of mine. I write these little thingies (or sometimes script-like conversations between my characters) to get into their heads, and to get a collection of documents that I can read if I come back to writing something after a while, so that I can remind myself of their circumstances and how they were feeling. I find them lotsa fun; watching things play out in your head is enjoyable, but it's nice to have pieces you can come back to. Warning: it's long-ish.
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So… TRP is currently focusing on Ammy and Lia a lot, so I figured I should try and write something getting into Ammy’s head. We’ll see how it goes, I guess. (S’been a while since one of these, huh? :))

I… I don’t know how to begin. Everything I put looks awkward, and while that may be the point (Amy gave this book to me. She said to write whenever I needed to get stuff out of my system- it was a nice gesture, and I feel duty-bound to give it a try, but I’m not really the writing sort… not… Oh, God, I’m crying again), I don’t think it’s helping much.

I need to get a grip. I really need to get a grip. I’m effectively in control of the world. It’s no use telling myself that I’m too young, that I have too much to cope with (And everyone else is coping, so what excuse do I have?); I’m the only one who can do it and I need to get a bloody grip. The crying’s got to stop, for a start. I can’t go three seconds without crying at the moment. Everyone’s being so patient about it, so kind to me, but I know I’m… not irritating them, but… scaring them, I guess.

I’ve got all the responsibility in the world, and I can’t talk to him; my best friend is dead. And he’s been dead for years and I should be… not okay, never okay, but I should be coping and I’m just not, and sometimes I think that he’d be disappointed, but then I know he wouldn’t, because he would understand, and that’s the worst thing, he’d understand but he’s not here.

It does feel good to pour it out like this, but I worry that I’m phrasing things melodramatically and somehow cheapening everything that happened; I’ve always been too self-conscious. Oh, God, don’t the media know it. And that’s what I can’t cope with, the press, the publicity- the part I thought would be fine.

I don’t have the knack for it that the others have; I wasn’t brought up with it in the background like they were. I didn’t even know properly about Raph until we were sixteen. I knew him for so long, and yet something so important was kept a secret from me. I felt like such a fraud, even though I knew it wasn’t my fault, and he told me as much, although he never needed to tell me in words.

If he was here he’d understand without me needing to tell him. That was how it was. I’d help him and he’d help me and we’d be married now.

‘Move on’, people say. Life doesn’t work like that. You don’t ‘move on’ from something like that. Life moves on around you. Not that you freeze in place or remain locked in the past, not like that (not if you find that, to your surprise, you can bear it even if it hurts and never stop hurting), it’s more that it moves with you. It’s no good trying to suppress things or deny the effect they have on you (as any tacky self-help- always an oxymoron, as Raph would say- oh God- book could tell you), but time doesn’t heal all wounds. It just dulls your capacity to feel.

I’m meeting so many new people at the moment, and yet all their faces blend into one. It’s not that ‘nothing matters’; everything matters and I can’t cope. Except I can, because I have to. Except I can’t.

Sometimes I feel like picking myself up and shaking myself like a rag doll (this is sort of one of those times). Sometimes I just want to cry and cry and cry and curl up in a ball, and never leave my mum’s arms, but I can’t do that because I have to stay strong. So I won’t even let her hug me at the moment, because I’m scared I might not be able to go back to what I have to do if I do. Sometimes I just want to shout and rage and scream. This is starting to feel like one of those times, but I think I’m too tired. I’m always tired these days. And I can’t do anything right. I think it would be easier if I was used to failure, but I’ve never failed anything before in my life. And I’m not allowed to fail at this. Amy tries to be supportive, telling me not to push myself too hard, but she doesn’t understand that it’s not a case of ‘pushing’; it’s whether I fail or I don’t, and there’s no in-between. If I don’t meet my own standards, I feel worse than if I ‘pushed myself’ to meet them. The problem is that I just can’t meet them, and, for the first time in my life, everyone expects the same of me as I expect of myself, and I just can’t deliver.

But I have to. And we’re back at square one.

I’m not ready I’m not ready I’m not ready God that looks melodramatic this is pointless oh I’m so tired so so tired I need someone to lean back on and there’s no-one there and they’re all leaning on me and I can’t do it and I need him I need him I need him so much…
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Hm, that was quite interesting, although I didn’t get it down as well as I wanted. Moar practice, methinks. It’d make quite a good opening, though, with a little tweaking…Gawd, I’m heartless. xD

So yeah. :P

2 Name: DuxAtrum : 2010-06-15 10:01 ID:ncw40KFI

It'd be nice if we could know what the hell 'TRP' is. The fandom? The creator of the fandom? What fandom is it from, anyway?

Anyway, as far as an introspection piece, it's not bad. It's not too cheesy and there's a few lines that are nice enough, but there's nothing particularly powerful. It's not really that attention-grabbing. (Also, who the hell writes "Oh God I'm crying again" in their diary? Wouldn't the narrative just break off awkwardly in the middle of a word or something and then maybe continue on a new paragraph depending or not they remembered where they were?)

Oh, and you should put commas inside the quotation marks. As in: 'Move on,' people say.

I did like the "I have to" vs. "I can't" contrast, though.

3 Name: Persephone : 2011-02-27 07:15 ID:sHsYP+GS

This is really cool. You just gotta be careful abbout your grammar! There are several run on sentences that distract me every time.
But other than this you've got a pretty good story, it just needs a few touch ups. So, you should go through another draft and then post it.

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