Bored at home.... Anyone heard any good jokes lately?
What do you sing on a snowman's birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
Hope this makes you laugh.
Four Worms and a lesson to be learned
A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service.
A Dyslexic walks into a bank. "Hands in your hair mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"
Mary was sitting at the back in Sunday school. Now Mary found Sunday school very boring, so she fell asleep. Then the teacher asked her " Mary, who created the world?" The boy sitting next her, Jimmy, poked her with a pin. Mary woke up and shouted " God Almighty!" the teacher replied " Very good Mary."
And Mary went back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary, " Mary, who died to save man from sin?" So Jimmy poked her with the pin again. Mary woke up and shouted " Jesus Christ!" and the teacher replied " Well done."
So Mary went back to sleep. Then the teacher asked her " Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child together?" Jimmy poked Mary again. Mary woke up and shouted at Jimmy "I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF!"
"Well done Mary." the teacher said.
hahahahaha xD
>>5 lol I laughed so hard!
I've got an old dirty ones from back in primary...
There were three boys called Zhip, Pea and Willy. One day they were all carrying on, jumping around, throwing things in class and there teacher eventually snapped and shouted at them. "Right! Zhip down! Willy out! And Pea, in the corner!"
Hahaha, if you want dirty, i have real dirty jokes... some of which would probably be unsuitable for posting here xD
>>8 Please give them to me lol
aw come on! don't do that to us, that's not fair
>>9 Thats what she said...
Well, its almost what she said, if you edit a word...
ok, we have what we can only assume is the punchline- sort of- but its not funny without the joke.
Ok this ones one of the tamer ones.. Disclaimer I claim no responsibility for any people who shouldnt read this reading this...
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scottsman are in a desert, and all 3 are dieing of thirst.
Suddenly, they spot a pub in the distance, and quickly make thier way towards it. They come to the entrance, and quickly enter. They see a nicely furnished bar, with plenty of drinks, and a 30 stone woman behind the bar, with a deformed face and large, horrible scabs all over her.
"Escuse me." The Englishman says. "But could we each buy a glass of water."
The woman looked up and smiled. "Your moneys no good out here. Yes, I'll serve you each a glass of water. But for your glass, each of you must have sex with me once.
The Scottsman spat upon the ground. "Fuck that." He said, and walked out.
The Irishman too, spat upon the ground. "No fucking way." He said, walking out.
The Englishman paused. "Yes, i will have sex with you. But only if you close your eyes and dont look at me once while im doing it."
The woman quickly agreed, and laid on the floor, lifting her dress to reveal a worse sight than her face. Thinking quickly, the Englishman grabbed a cucumber from the side of the bar. He fucked her with the cucumber, and then quickly tossed it out of the window.
She got up. "That was amazing!" She said, and quickly served him his glass of water. He drank it gladly, and went outside to his friends.
"I just had the most amazing glass of water." He told them.
The Scottsman turned to him and said "Yeah? Well we just had a fucking tasty cucumber."
ok, that's really bad, but its hilarious as well
Yeah i did tell you :P
OH MY DEAR GOD!!!!!!
That was wrong.
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One day, Billy and Peter (both in year 3) were in the playground, and Billy had a new watch. "Where'd you get that?" asked Peter. "Well," said Billy, "I woke up one night and couldn't get back to sleep, so I went to get a glass of water. I went past my mum and dads room and I saw that there door was open. I looked in and saw my dad bouncing up and down on my mum. My dad pulled me in and made me promise not to tell my sister or anyone else, and said he'd buy me a watch if I did as he said."
Peter wanted a new watch, so he stayed up one night and in the early hours of the morning, he went into his parent's bedroom and saw his dad bouncing up and down on top of his mum. "What do you want?" asked Peter's dad. "I want a watch!" Peter replied. "Well if you want a watch, sit down and close the door! It's getting cold!"
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That's a tame one.
hahaha xD Yeah definitly more tame than mine... xD
Hahaha!!! Their all very good! couldnt stop laughing! thanks guys!! But please... Keep them coming!
I just realised that I posted the last line wrong.
"I want a watch!" Peter replied. "Well, if you want to watch, sit down and close the door! It's getting cold!"
That's how it should be.
Ok, here's a random joke. It's a bit bad, but it certainly made me giggle uncontrollably.
"It's bloody cold in here isn't it?"
The other tomato looks at the first one and cries "Bugger me! A talking tomato!!!"
that is not funny
yeah it is
damn straight it's funny
THAT IS NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIARS
@Anonymous: Dude stop posting stupid comments on EVERY SINGLE THREAD, it's annoying so just stop trolling the threads and actually talk about the subjects.
This one has naughty words in, so avert your eyes if you don't like them. x_x
A family had been on a day out at a park, and when they reached their car, the dad found a parking ticket left for him.
"You bastard!" he swore, loudly. His young son looked up at him curiously.
"What does bastard mean, Daddy?" The dad froze for a second, and then gave the boy a nervous grin.
"It means policeman, son. Now get in the car."
At home, he stood on an evil-smelling path of brown goo that lay on the doorstep, and swore again.
"Oh, shit!"
"What does shit mean, Daddy?"
"Ah - doormat. That's all."
Later that evening, the boy wanders into the bathroom, and sees his dad shaving. His dad cuts himself, and swears again.
"Bollocks!"
"What does bollocks mean, Daddy?"
"Neck! Go help your mother make dinner!"
Downstairs, the boy turns a corner into the kitchen and bumps into his mum, causing her to nick herself with the knife she was holding.
"Fucking - " she begins to exclaim, and breaks off when she sees the boy, looking abashed, and goes back to preparing the turkey for dinner.
"What does fucking mean, Mummy?"
"It means stuffing, son," she says, not looking at him. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. "Could you get that for me, dear?"
The boy opens the door, and sees a policeman standing outside.
"Hello lad. Are your parents home?"
"Yes, you bastard. My dad's upstairs shaving his bollocks, and my mum's in the kitchen fucking the turkey. Please wipe your feet on the shit before you come in!"
Win.
LOL That is one of the best i've ever heard, EPIC WIN!
WIN! hahaha I haven't heard that one for years!
Love it!
LOL that's brilliant!
Well written... best joke ever read! Had to forward it on to my friends! hahaha!
LOL....that used to be one of my favs ;).
One day a young boy was asked to write down the first things his family members said when he got home for homework.
When he got home he found his father deeply absorbed in watching football, walking up to him he said, "Daddy--"
"Fuck off!"
The boy blinked but then walked away and went to his mother who was in the kitchen watching the lottery.
Just before the boy could say anything she cried, "42!"
The boy then went up into his older sister's room who was listening to music but unfortunatly when he greeted her she didn't hear him and instead went on to sing, "La la la la la!"
The boy finally met up with his younger brother who was counting his toy cars, as he walked in he heard his brother speaking, "...in my little bo-bo car!"
The next day at school the teacher asked the boy to come up and read out his homework.
He got to the front of the class and yelled, "Fuck off!"
The teacher gasped and said, "What did you say!?"
"Fuck off!" the boy replied.
The teacher glared at him, "How old do you think you are!?"
"42!"
"Do you want me to take you to the prinicpal?"
"La la la la la!"
With a huff, the teacher dragged the young boy to the head's office. After explaining the situation the head looked at the boy and in a threatening voice said, "Just how do you think you're going to get away with this?"
"In my little bo-bo car!"
XD All these jokes are awesome! I have a dirty joke, so avert your eyes children!
Four nuns had died (we'll call them Sophie, Sarah, Jane and Opal), and all of them went to heaven. An angel and a little church font where waiting at the gates of heaven. "Before you enter," spoke the angel. "if you have made any contact with a mans willy , you must clean that area with the water."
Sophie was first to say something. "I have once seen a mans willy." The angel nodded and told her to put the holy water in her eyes. She did that, and went inside to heaven.
Sarah was next. "I have stroked a mans willy." The angel nodded and told her to wash that hand. She did so, and walked into heaven.
All of a sudden, Jane and Opal began shoving each other to the font. "Why are you trying to get there so quick?" asked the angel.
"Because I want to wash out my mouth before Opal washes her huge hairy arse in it!" cried Jane.
36 - 37 - Hahaha! Emailing that one to my friends, good one! lol
>>36 remember that one from primary school xD
When I was at primary school everyone used to say this one...
There were three friends called Poo, Manners and Shutup. They were playing football when Poo fell over. Manners tried to help him up but he couldn't do it so Shutup went round the corner to the police station to get help.
He walks into the station and goes up to the policeman.
"My friend has fallen over and I need some help." Shutup said.
"Ok, but could you tell me your name first." The policeman said.
"Shutup." said shutup.
"Excuse me."
"Shutup" shutup repeated.
"Where are your manners youngs man?" Asked the policeman.
"Round the corner picking up Poo."
When we were six we found that hilarious.
Yeah same here xD
Hello, why is there someone called Anonymous going round, posting weird messages on people's threads? Never mind....I have a joke that is a little bit rude but I found it funny:
Q: What am I talking about?
Your Dad has one, but your Mum uses it,
The Pope has one, but doesn't use it,
Nuns don't need one,
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a really long one,
And Micheal. J. Fox has a really small one.
A: A Last name
(who feels ashamed now?)
Hello, why is there someone called Anonymous going round, posting weird messages on people's threads? Never mind....I have a joke that is a little bit rude but I found it funny:
Q: What am I talking about?
Your Dad has one, but your Mum uses it,
The Pope has one, but doesn't use it,
Nuns don't need one,
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a really long one,
And Micheal. J. Fox has a really small one.
A: A Last name
(who feels ashamed now?)
I rememeber that one! lol
oh thats quite funny lol Its a little rude but seeing as rude dosnt seem to be a problem... plus i mean no offense; i have some natural blonde! Dont hit me ;)
Q. What the differance between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. A mosquito stops sucking when ever you slap it
Oh my...that is rude, I shall go off and tell my blonde friend about that....haha
oh shut up why dont you losers
28 36 and 41 were my favorites
oh just shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Big losers
One day a chicken was walking along the pavement, and he saw his friend, a duck, about to cross the road. "Don't do it!" he said, "they'll be talking about it for years!"
Two men are applying for a job with a terrorist organization, and have come in for an interview. The first one goes into the room, and sees his potential employer sitting behind a desk.
"Good morning," he says. "I'd like you to start off my demonstrating some basic literacy. Could you recite the alphabet for me?"
"Sure," says the applicant, and proceeds to rattle off all the letters.
"Great. Now, one final test. Go blow up a building, and then come back in here. Send the other fellow in on your way out, too."
The second man walks in, and sits down. The employer repeats the questions that the first name was given.
"A-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z"
The boss shuffles some papers awkwardly, and sighs.
"Are you aware that you missed out two letters?"
"Oh yes," replies the applicant. "The man who just came out blew up B and Q."
~~~~ for those who don't know, B&Q is a big ass store.~~~~
>>56 haha...I'm not sure if laughing at terrorist jokes is good, but that was funny...
Ohohoh XD...that was a mean one.
I heard this off of a comedian and thought it was quite funny...though I may just be weird, and it is kind of sexist.
Two men and a woman are applying to be secret agents. They are taken to a hotel and the first man is handed a gun, then is shown to the first room. "inside that room is your wife, you must shoot her if you want to join."
The man goes into the room and after a few minutes comes out sobbing. "I can't do it." He says, running off. The same thing happens to the second man with the second room, and finally the gun is handed to the woman.
"Your husband is in that room, you must shoot him if you want to join." The woman walks into the third room, and there's a lot of screaming and thumping. When she comes back out she is angry and covered in blood.
"Why didn't you tell me the gun had blanks? I had to destroy the chair and beat him to death with the leg!"
Am I sick in thinking this was funny? If so, then hey :P
I heard that one off a comedian too! that's f*****g funny! lol
I love this thread, there are some amazing ones. I'm normally too drunk to remember any that I get told haha.
I've been told some in spanish before, but they won't make sense in english, and I can't remember them ;)
>>63 Hey... I ordered the ink and quill set (in black) cnt wait for them to come! I'm waiting at my door everyday for the damn package! arghhhh! lol
Okay, this may be unacceptable for children, like Anonymous, whose poor innocent eyes can not see anything bad. O:I
Q: How many witches do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Witches only screw in circles, not in lightbulbs.
Q: How many Christians do you need to change a lightbulb?
A: All. Two to hold it, one to change it, and all the rest to mourn the passing of the old one and start talking about the good, old days...
p.s. These are just jokes,please do not take offense unless you are called Aonymous, and you are the annoying version of it.
I have a joke someone told in primary school:
There was a little boy in Year 1, who was told for homework, to go find out the first four letters of the alphabet.
So he went home with his paper and pen and walked into the kitchen, where his Mum was chopping vegetables.
He said: 'Mum, what's the first letter of the alphabet?'
As he asked this, the knife slipped and cut her finger. Frustrated she said: 'OH SHUT UP AND GO AWAY!"
The little boy wrote it down and left to go in the living room, where his Dad was watching football.
The little boy said: 'Dad, what's the second letter of the alphabet?'
As he said this, the opposite team that his Dad supported scored a goal.
Frustrated, the Dad screamed: 'NOOOOOOOOOOOO!'
The little boy wrote that down and left to visit his sister's room. She was playing with her ponies.
He said: 'Little sister, what's the third letter of the alphabet?'
The girl looked up and said: 'I'm a little pony!'
He wrote it down and left to see his little brother, who was playing with some toy cars.
The little boy said: 'Little brother, what's the fourth letter of the alphabet?'
The boy looked up and said. 'In my little brum brum car!'
The little boy wrote it down.
The next day at school, the little boy's teacher called him up to the front of class.
The teacher asked him: 'Okay, what's the first letter of the alphabet?'
The boy answered: 'OH SHUT UP AND GO AWAY!'
Shocked and angry, the teacher replied: 'What?! Go to the head teacher's office, immediately!'
The boy screamed: 'NOOOOOOOOOOOO!'
The teacher said: 'Who do you think you are, boy?!'
The little boy said: 'I'm a little pony!'
The teacher said: 'And how do you expect to get out of this one?!!'
The boy answered: 'In my little brum brum car!'
-Sorry it was sooooo long guys! When I was younger, I found this hilarious.....
@66, I've heard loads of those ones before... There was one about noddy in his red and yellow car :P and batman. can't remember it though haha xD
>66
My friend told me that one with some different words and a police officer instead, but still hilarious. Laughing whilst smoking is painful.
Heh. >>66 I have hear dit in several versions as well, but still... LMAO
Haha......i giggled in the corner of the playground for several minutes when my best friend told me that. Ah, to be young and stupid.....:D
The good old times.
I'll always be Just A child though :P
Heh.
>>72 that was a VERY BAD pun...It made me smile though.
I'm still a child at heart :P
Lightbulb jokes OMG!!!11 Used to collect these :P
How many pshychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the bulb has got to WANT to change
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two; one to unscrew and drop it and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burnt out)
How many "real men" does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. "Real men" aren't afraid of the dark!
How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
How many mice does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. The trick is getting them in there...
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Chair. One to paint the giraffe and the other to fill the bath tub with brightly coloured gardening tools.
How many gay-rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's wrong to try and change lightbulbs. Accept them for who they are!
/end of painful lightbulb jokes
I am not sure if anyone else will find it funny, but I work in a airport and think it’s hilarious =).
Evening a plane is coming in for a landing. The Tower over the radio is asking for the aircraft to identify itself. The pilot was in a good mood and decides to make a joke. So he asks:
“Guess who?”
Suddenly the landing lights go of.
The Tower:
“Guess where?”
Hahahahahaha......
I don't find it all that funny, but apparently it's the funniest joke for English people. And I'm English. So yeah.
Two weasels are in a bar, sharing a stool. One weasel starts insulting the other weasel. "I slept with your mum!" He shouts. The bar goes silent as the other patrons wait to see what will happen next. The first weasel repeats his previous statement, but louder. "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MUM!!" He yells at the second weasel who replies calmly, "You're drunk. Let's go home, Dad."
I hope these jokes don't offend anyone......
(Paige and George are real life characters and these were real life conversations)
Act 1
George: "Aw...do you fancy going to a party tonight?"
Paige: "Yeah...that'd be great."
George: "Cool.....it's at seven."
Paige: "Ooh...will there be boys at this party?"
George: "No, no....it's a Nun's party."
Act 2
George: "You're telling me, you DON'T know who Margaret Thatcher is?!"
Paige: -shuffles feet nervously- "No....."
George: "First woman Prime Minister?"
Paige: "Huh? What happened to George Bush then?"
George: -facepalm- "He was president....and you're an idiot.."
Sorry if you didn't find these funny.....At the time they seemed hilarious. XD
P.S: I'm not an idiot...I knew what I was saying...:S
Three nuns die and go to heaven. When they reach the gates of heaven, they are greeted by an Angel. The Angel says to them "to pass into heaven, you must each answer a question". So the nuns agree.
The Angel asks the first, youngest nun "what was Adam and Eve not meant to eat?" and the nun replies "a golden apple" and she is let through. The Angel then asks the second nun "what tricked Eve into eating the apple?" and the nun replies "a snake" and the Angel lets her pass too.
She then comes to the third nun, the eldest of the three. The Angel says "because you are the eldest and wisest, I will ask you a tougher question. What were the first words that Eve said to Adam?" The nun rubs her chin in thought and says "hmm... that's a hard one."
The Angel lets her pass.
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Get's me every time.
LOL XD
I got this one off of Numb3rs:
A man was stranded on his roof during a flood. A boat came by but he said 'God will save me.' The boat went away and another came, then a helicoptor, but both times he said God would save him.
Later he drowned.
He asked God 'Why didn't you save me?'
He replied 'What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want?!'
I found it quite funny :)
priest and a rabbi hit each other in a head-on car collision.
both get out of their cars to discover they don't have so much as a scratch.
Priest says: "I have some wine in my car, will you have a drink with me to celebrate this miracle?"
Rabbi says: "of course." uncorks the bottle and drinks half of the wine.
Priest puts the cork back in. When the rabbi asks why, he answers.
"now I'm going to wait for the police to arrive."
makes me laugh XD
Did you hear about the Scottish drag queen? He wore trousers.
>>84 hahaha XD That one was cool...
What's black and white black and white black and white?
A: A penguin rolling down a hill.
What's Black, White and laughing?
A: The penguin that pushed them.
Sad I know but I found it funny.
@Elkkun - I've heard that one before... except the penguins were nuns. XD
Oh my gosh, 81 had me laughing so loud... xD
And I haven't got any jokes, sorry. I'm terrible at telling them anyway. :( Curse my bad comedian skills.
lol xx :-)
>>88 well you're not telling them you're typing them! Besides I'm worse than you as I keep forgetting parts of the joke :P
Wife calls husband and says: watch out on the road tonight sweetheart, the news says there's one idoit driving on the wrong side of the motorway.
Husband says: One!?! There's hundreds of them!
okay, worst taste joke i've ever heard so far.
Mother finds a pile of S&M magazines in her sons bedroom and is so shocked she doesn't know what to do. When she asks her husband he says: "Whatever you do, DON'T spank him"
Makes me laugh XD
>>95 rofl= roll on the floor laughing
I like 'roflmao'ing - rolling on the floor laughing my ass off.
I have this one - I got it in French so bear with me.
A man and a woman are having sex when they heard some weird noises. A thief came in, managed to knock the over and tie them up, the husband on the bed and the woman on the chair. When awaking, they heard some rummaging in the the bathroom.
The husband, certain that the thief would then rape his wife, told her: I really am sorry Darling, you will have to be strong. I love you.
The thief came out and went to the wife to ask her something. She answers, though the husband didn't hear anything. Then the thief went off again and the husband started to fret:
"What did he wanted?"
"You see, he is not into women and he just asked me if we had any vaseline."
"..."
"I love you Darling, but you will have to be strong."
****
Lame... if anyone has a better version... TT hides
To make it funnier, the thief should have been armed with a pistol. On seeing the gun, the husband panics and says, 'Don't shoot me! You can do anything, steal anything, rape my wife, but don't shoot me!'
The thief ties 'em up and goes out of the room. The wife glares at the husband. He goes red and says, 'I am sorry, my dear, but you will have to be strong.'
The wife, still furious, doesn't reply. After a while, the thief comes in and yanks her out of the room. The man hears them go into the bathroom together.
A few minutes later, they come back.
'My darling!' cries the husband, 'What did that monster do to you?'
'Hm? Oh, nothing!' replies the wife, smiling. The thief holds up a little tub as the wife continues, 'It turns out that he's not into women; I had to show him where we kept the Vaseline. I'm sorry, my dear, but you will have to be strong.'
I don't, and I don't think I want to!
XD Loved these, loads of them made me lol. So I feel obliged to pay you back with a long joke that my cousin told me years and years ago which I have retold many times since:
It starts with a familiar scenario - three men die and go up to Heaven, and meet St. Peter at the entrance.
"I'm sorry," said St. Peter, "but we've only got room for one man in Heaven today. We'll have to decide between you somehow. Why don't you all tell me how you died, and the one who had the worst death will get into Heaven?"
"All right, I'll go first," said one man. "For a while now I've suspected that my wife was having an affair, and today I came home from work early to catch her in the act. She was in the shower, and there was no-one else in any of the rooms. When I went out on the balcony, though, I found a man hanging onto the edge by his fingertips! So I climbed up onto the railing and stamped on his fingers as hard as I could, but he didn't let go. I went inside and found a sledgehammer, and pounded his fingers with it, and he finally let go. Then for good measure I dragged the fridge from the kitchen and pushed it over the balcony so that it dropped on top of him and killed him. But I felt so terrible afterwards that I shot myself."
"That's horrible!" said St. Peter. "How about you?" he asked the second man.
"Well, I was doing some exercises on the balcony of my flat," said the man, "when I overbalanced and fell over the edge! Luckily, I managed to grab hold of a balcony a few floors below and save myself. But before I could do anything else, this maniac came out onto the balcony, climbed onto the railing and started jumping up and down on my fingers! I screamed in pain, but managed to hold on. He went away, but then came back with a sledgehammer! He whacked my fingers with it so hard that I had to let go. Amazingly, I survived the fall to the ground - but then a FRIDGE fell on top of me and killed me."
"Wow," said St. Peter. "I think you've got to be the winner! But how did you die?" he asked the remaining man.
"Okay," said the man, "picture this: I'm hiding, naked, in a fridge."
Oh and >>100 - that's good, but the best version would be if you just said,
'Hm? Oh, nothing!' replies the wife, smiling. The thief holds up a little tub as the wife continues, 'He asked me to show him where we kept the Vaseline. I'm sorry, my dear, but you will have to be strong.'
Then the person has to put those two hints together to understand the joke. Otherwise, her saying "It turns out he's not into women" more or less gives away the punchline early, without the recipient of the joke needing to hear/read about the Vaseline or the 'I'm sorry, my dear...'
@104- I agree, but you forget that most of the people on this site probably wouldn't be able to work it out. That's why I left that line in, at any rate. It doesn't make any difference to the 'I'm sorry...' bit, though, as in my version the humour is in the karma of the situation, not the words themselves.
>>105 'Most'? X3 And what makes you so sure of that?
Have you read many of the posts on this site?
Yes, a fair few, thanks.
Then I do not understand your question.
You might have to explain that one '...' I don't think the other managed to get the point of what you were saying. Irony?
On a more related note, the 3 men die and go to heaven is just one of those classics that never get old. I do love it. I can't actually think of any at the minute, it being 8.30am and I can barely spell, much less come up with a decent joke...
@112- I would not say it was particularly clever. Stating the obvious is rarely so. Also, dear me. One minute I am berated for making things too easy, the next it's for making things too difficult. Very well. I shall write in riddles.
Think of a claymore,
Now take the thing farthest from it,
Anything will do,
If it can be described as that without reflection.
Now think of an adjective,
That describes the above (and means the lower but higher)
And there is your answer,
If we take said adjective to describe those who are
As Woolworths did,
And then a valediction.
Have fun.
>>114 x3 I think I'll pass, thanks. I doubt it'll greatly affect the quality of my life one way or another.
@114- Oh, no, I assure you: if you squint hard enough, you'll discover the location of the Holy Grail.
Hahahaha XD
>>116 Elipsis knows (just about) all and everything. XD
Just saw this joke on TV.
A cowboy rides into town on Friday. He stays for 3 days, and then leaves on Friday.
How did he do it?
--------------------------------------------
His horse's name is Friday!
XD XD
I prefer the version:
Q: 'A cowgirl rode into town on a Monday, stayed overnight, and departed on Friday. How did she do it?'
A: 'She was a Mary-Sue and could thus bend the laws of time and space to her will. DO NOT QUESTION.'
@'...' - My version's funnier.
@Vic- Your version's older. Have you seriously never heard it before? With a joke like that, unless you subvert it, many people will already know the punchline. It's like 'why didn't the skeleton go to the party?', or 'when is a door not a door?'.
Omfg.
@125- Indeed. Although I prefer:
'Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?'
'Why the hell WOULD a skeleton go to a party?'
@'...' - You tell very crap jokes.
>>128 I like 'em. The whole point of a joke is to catch you off your guard, and that's what retelling an old one with a new twist does.
Not to mention laughing at a crap joke is always fun.
>>130 crapiest joke of all time:
why did the elephant cross the road?
because he was stapled to the chicken!
Seriously! If you laugh there's something wrong with you!
Vic, glass houses, much? I agree that they're weak jokes. I can see a weaker one.
Pity it's not Christmas any more; there was a good one about Tiger Woods a couple of months ago. No idea where it originated, though... Hmm...
I'm still ticked I didn't get that skeleton one. What the hell's wrong with me?
What kind of jokes to people prefer? The classics, or the surprising/unexpected, rude, puns?
@Rayray- Most of them were utter rubbish, but there was one that made me laugh. If I remember it, I'll post it.
@Ellipsis - If I find the less offensive Jade Goody ones that made me chuckle, I'll put one on here, and then watch the hate mail roll in from my fellow Brits who know who she actually is.
@Rayray- I doubt anyone would be that bothered, tbh. If you want to anger everyone here, you should tell Madeline McCann ones.
Played T3 and T6? Specifically, wasted hours of your life on Tekken Force mode on T3, unlocked Dr B and then discovered that even Gon- yes, GON- was better?
ahh, maybe that's why I don't get the joke. :P I'm not sure if I've played it (as I've played quite a lot of games in my lifetime) or if I've seen somebody else play it.
Lol I played Tekken 3 but never played Tekken 6... I didn't own the game, my cousins did and I was always more of a Mortal Kombat kinda girl.
I dunno why.
Elkkun, as the joke was aimed at people who'd played (and could remember) both games, why you bothered to say you didn't get it mystifies me. If I suddenly pause and say
'What would you call Cloud's braces?
GOLDEN, SHINY WIRES OF HOPE!'
apropos of nothing, and then follow it up with 'LAWL', I would expect people to say 'wtf?'. If I preface it with 'For the FF7 fans', however...
Apologies for the cheese; I made it up on the spot to illustrate a point, as I generally do with my jokes.
You made me laugh, quite loudly. In the middle of an ICT lesson.
Thank you VERY much Elipsis.
And everytime I look at 'GOLDEN, SHINY WIRES OF HOPE!' I just start giggling :P
Oh and today in maths me and my friend Jasmine were talking.
Her: What's 8x4? It must be 60something...
Me: -taking in what she just said- Jaz...If 10x4 is 40...How can 8x4 be 60 something?
Her: Oh yeah ^^
Oh the random times in maths. :P
i got one, its not the best but it made me laugh...
a man asks his wife:
"can i come in your ear?"
the wife replys:
"no, you might make me go deaf"
the man then says:
"well, i come in your mouth all the time and you never shut the fuck up!!!!"
i got one, its not the best but it made me laugh...
a man asks his wife:
"can i come in your ear?"
the wife replys:
"no, you might make me go deaf"
the man then says:
"well, i come in your mouth all the time and you never shut the fuck up!!!!"
okay this is quite long and translated from russian... bear with me...
a man is waiting in the maternity ward. a doctor walks up to him, looking quite anxious.
'my son! i want to see my son!'
the doctor looks around, awkward, 'well, you see, sir... he has no legs...'
'i don't care, he's my son! take me to him!'
the doctor coughs, 'well, he has no arms either...'
the man, sweating now, says 'he will always be my son, no matter what!'
'and, well, he only has one ear...'
'Just let me see him!'
the nurse brings out an ear on a little tray.
'My son!'
'speak louder, sir, it's deaf.'
... dont know if you'll get sick humour like that...
OH, i got two.
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no BODY to go with
>>150 that's like saying
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the seaweed.
or Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the Salad Dressing
Oh harhar.
of mice and men, when lennie crushes curleys hand..i shouted out "NO THATS HIS CINEMAX HAND"!
his cinemax hand...its for masterbation...look up cinemax on wikipedia
ohhhh~ I see. I don't wanna search it on Wiki!
-hides behind....a tree of awesomeness-
You can always be sure a tree of awesomeness is going to protect you.
Here's one. (If you laugh, you're a very mean person :P)
A man walks into a bar, and he stays there most my childhood.
xD ROFLMAO! ok i am mean!
>>156 O_o I kinda don't really get it... Man I'm stupid.
A middle aged man named David dies in his sleep.
Upon entering Heaven, he meets St Peter, who says this to him:
"You've been quite good in this life, David, so I shall give you two choices. You can either pass on into the afterlife, or you can be reincarnated as a chicken."
David replies by saying: "I fancy being a chicken."
So David is reincarnated as a chicken and he's feeling quite happy with his new life until he feels an sharp pain in his gut. He turns to one of the other chickens and says: "ugh, what's this horrible feeling?"
The other chicken says: "It's alright mate, you're just laying an egg."
Sure as anything, David lays an egg.
A few minutes later he feels the same sensation again, but this time he wakes up to hear his wife screaming:
"David! David! Wake up you stupid bastard, you're shitting the bed!"
It gives laying an egg a whole new meaning LOL
brb gonna lay an egg
(8) i leid my egg and i liiiked it (8)
>>168 now these comments are still on the topic and if the name is "any joke whats so ever" then we can joke around dont make me get my lawyer, hippy!
I have a sense of humour, if you bothered to read the thread, you would know that.
170 would have been even more amusing if RayRay had started the thread.
>>171 you are being a prick, thats not a sense of humor, now the people who are spamming are my friend jaz, and my stalker jamie (bob/boob/orwhateverhisnameisnow) and jaz means no harm she is just being herself, and this is a joke thread so im gonna add a joke so this post is still on topic "knock Knock? whos there? iluv iluv who? iluv loopholes
@Alaric Dahmer - I think the point RayRay is trying to make is that the spamming is annoying the regulars of this board. As you are together in the "real world", we see no reason why you must continually spam this board with your drivel.
If that wasn't clear enough, I'm sure we can explain further.
@moonphase - I belive she/he/it was first blaming the trolling on her/his/its friends, then giving them an excuse, then adding an extremely bad joke. After insulting RayRay of course.
>>176 look clever sides (never gonna say that phrase again), i was blaming the spamming on jamie not my friend more of a stalker, and i also have posted jokes on this site which i intend to do if you would be so kind to stop spamming on this page, and i said he was being a prick not that he was a prick so there was no insults, jeeeez and that joke was meant to be bad!, now if you excuse me i have a PSP to play on...oh and >>178 "rayray" seems to constantly talk to "these guys" in a manner which we dont seem to like.
@AlaricDahmer - Right, I'll try to understand that ramble, shall I?
>>180 ok lets get this striaght,
You're really not impressive. You come onto this board, where everyone was perfectly happy, start spamming, trolling (as I said, look it up, I'm not explaining it you), and insulting people. THEN you try to back out of it. That's pathetic.
I obviously read your drivel, as I replied it. The major point here is you have no full stops in an entire paragraph, with only one at the end. Therefore, it's not even correct grammar, let alone a ramble.
You have been asked nicely by many people to stop. Can you give me one good reason why you are not?
because, no one has asked nicely, and you are acting like pricks towards me. further more my grammar are gooder in school work. Plus you if you say im not funny or even pathetic that must make you somehow retarded, no offense intended. Yet again im only insulting people who have offended me.
ps. drivel is going on my funny words thread
I believe you once said "glad you're now asking nicely", so...
You are obviously still at school. You have the same lack of matureness that almost everyone your age has. I wouldn't be surprised if a group of your freinds were next to you right now egging you on.
lol at 12:23 at night, nahh im all alone with my lovely right hand...and yes i was joking, although you wouldn't put it past me XD and yes one person asked me nicely but as soon as i was bout to stop look who should up more haters. and how can i be at school at 12:23 at night? and i can be mature i just dont choose to be
...why did i say "should" instead of "showed" i must be tired
Yeah, isn't it past your bedtime? All the babies should be in bed at 8pm.
>>187 wow, that was low, degrading, very pathetic...babies don't masturbate you sick man! and its a weekend im staying up
laughs For your information... Actually several things.
>>191 i like your sense of humor ill give you that, it seems ive touched i nerve. how do you know what 2 year olds do? perv.
number 3 made me rofl. how is number 2 my weakness
5. you might wanna check again to be on the safe side
wow this one is now forgotten, joke page your are now free of spam!
cough As I've said, I've done a bit of psychology. Therefore, I've read up on this. Therefore, you are wrong.
sigh and i thought the spamming imbecile had freed this page and gone to "james is a noob" alas she is still her
As you started the spamming, that's a nice nickname you've got for yourself.
my nickname? Ratbag? thanks i love it ^_^ a dinner lady called me it once :P
As I've said before, pathetic.
as ive said before, like your mothers orgasms
As I've said before, fuck off. :)
as ive said before, touched a never have i?
Didn't understand that sentence. Complete your schooling, then come back with a correct understanding of the English language.
i can say chimichanga in 7 languages...and ill learn english when you learn the concept of "bearable"
vamos a ver viccy ya me acabado de apreder ingles...espera esto es epañol...
You realise that it didn't make any sense, don't you. What are you meant to wait for?
oh god. use google translate-NO! they cant translate properly.. it was saying ive finished learning english...wait this is spanish
Do you want to stop this or not? Because it looks like you're simply looking for a fight.
im looking for a fight by speaking spanish? that makes no sense apologies but it doesn't
ok, since you asked nicely i is zipped up at the mouth.
It was the only way I could think to put it, the exasperation should be evident.
Anyone fancy getting this back on topic?
I DO! i know i few jokes i got a book full of em, just sec ill go get it.
Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
I have some really bad ones. XD
Which animals are on legal documents?
Seals!
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because he had drumsticks!
As I said, really bad. XD I don't think I should talk to me cousin anymore...
Haha I've heard that one before, nice.
I used to have a book full of jokes, my favourite one by far was always the really simple:
What do you call the woman who fell off the White Cliffs?
Eileen Dover.
LoL funny joke Alaric
anyhow id better go i got a computer game to make by monday
the turkey one made me lol
why did the elephant cross the road? the chicken was on holiday
laters alaric
bye
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
>>222 i missed a bit out, "then the mans says: should i tell her the war is over then?"
This one's racist so, don't read it if you're against racism :P
You ready? Yeah? Cool.
Four men are in a hot air balloon, an irish man, a scotsman, an Englishman and a Black man. The hot air balloon ends up becoming too heavy and so they need to throw out some things, coincidentally they fly over ireland and the irish man throws out a pot of gold. The Englishman shouts to him
"Why'd you throw that over? Why not something else?" The irish man replies
"Oh, there's lots of those in ireland!". Then they fly over Scotland, surprisingly the Scotsman takes off his kilt and throws that over the edge of the balloon,
"What the hell did you do THAT for!?" shouts the irishman to the scotsman. The scotsman simply replies,
"There's plenty o'them in Scotland!"
Then they end up flying over England, then suddenly the Englishman picks up the Black man and throws him over, the other two scream in horror at him
"Why'd you do that!?" The Englishman shrugs, "Like you two said, there's plenty of them in England.
:P I did say... XD
"I've been to several sessions with my psychiatrist, and I'm happy to say, we're not schitzophrenic any more!"
Anyone who accuses me of stealing other people's jokes can kiss my black ass!
just a one liner I heard, but it was funny.
Oh, also, anything from Mitch Hedberg.
Ok I can be bitchy about Flight crew only coz I am one, and therefore making a joke out of myself.
1.Whats the difference between A Hostey and the Engine of a 747?
The engines stop moaning after shut down but the crew dont.
2. On a Continental Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'
3. On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
5. 'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.'
I was once flying into Singapore when the pilot came on, very calmly, and said:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement. We are about to land in Singapore. If you have any drugs, you will be executed. Thank you.'
OR
Back in August the Chief flight attendant was giving the safety speech and said, "The button over your head with the picture of a light bulb on it turns on your light, the button with the picture of the flight attendant does NOT turn on your flight attendant so DON'T PUSH IT!"
Lol, Im bad and I love it!!!
Got a new one:
A tramp walks into a posh jewellers. He pulls his trousers down and starts fingering his arse. The Shop assistant shouts; "Get out you dirty bastard". The tramp says; "Make your fucking mind up!" and points to a sign in the shop window which reads 'COME INSIDE AND PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT.!!'
FEMALE VERSION OF THE LORDS PRAYER:
My vibrator, which brings me heaven,
Rabbit be thy name,
You make me Cum,
You bring such fun,
On earth - or is it heaven?
Give me this day my daily thrill,
and forgive me my screams
as I forgive those who sold me dud batteries.
Lead me straight into temptation,
Deliver me from frustration,
For thine is the vibration,
The Power and rotation,
For ever and ever,
No Men!!!
ok... that was errr creative...
so i head you like mudkips?
OH! has anyone got a copy of that, orr can someone get the copy of it?
lol, my mates and i were bored at work and started getting creative
cant beat a man/woman joke:
A man walks into the pharmacy and asks 'Where's the tampax?' the assistant replies 'over there mate' the man returns with cotton wool balls and toilet paper. 'I thought you wanted tampax?'
'yeah well last week i asked my wife to buy me fags, but she came back with a pouch of tobacco - so we'll see how she likes to roll her own!'
Hehehe...that man is going to die!
Lol I know, totally can actually see it happen though
this ones a little sad, but the more i think about it, the funnier it gets...
Q)What do you get when you cross-over a Parrot and a millipede??
A)Walkie-talkie
a woman goes to Jamaica and meets a man.
every night for two weeks he takes her home after a few drinks and they have their fun.
every night she asks his name.
every night he refuses to tell her.
on her last night she says "tell me you're name or i'll never be able to find you if i come back!" but he refuses saying "you'll laugh" which she denies and so eventually relents.
"my name is snow." to which she giggles and he reacts saying "see i told you you'd laugh!"
to which she replied still stuggling with laughter.
"well how am i supposed to tell them back home that i had 10 inches of snow every night in Jamaica?!"
1Why hav elephants god big ears?
2Why is tigger looking down the toilet?
1Because noddy wouldn't pay the ransom...
2he's looking for Pooh!
I have some really awfull red nose day jokes as well...(like the other ones wern't bad enough as it is.)
3How do you make a bogey fly?
3pick it roll it flick it.. (eh EW!!!)
4Which monster gets right up your nose?
4the bogey man!
5What's a nose's favourite question?
5Who nose?!
6 what do noses eat for lunch
6 a sneeze sandwich
7 what's nose's favourite wizard
7 Harry Snotter...
8 what did the vicar say to the nose?
8 Bless you!
what do bogies and apples have in comon?
they both get picked and eaten!
what do you do when there are three Red Noses to collect ??
Pick your Nose!!
Well those were the sufficiently crap jokes for the day!
BTW vicar of dibley has some awesome jokes at the end of each episode
>>239 I laughed and was disgusted, but that's why I get for reading bogey jokes X.x
What is the difference between the BNP and a bus?
The bus has seats.
(Well, it makes me lol!)
All the jokes I know are really nerdy or really misogynistic (I couldn't explain that last one to you, I got told the other day that girls shouldn't know more sexist jokes than most guys.)
A neutron walks into a bar and says "How much for a pint?" The barman replies, "For you, sir? No charge."
Two atoms are sitting in a bar when one cries "Oh no, I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" says the other. "Yes," the first one says, "I'm positive!"
What do you call a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you've told her twice.
What's the difference between England and a teabag?
The teabag stays in the cup for longer.
England losing against Germany joke. ¬_¬ Feh.
If I have a rooster and you have a donkey, and your donkey eats my roosters feet. What do you have?
Two feet of my cock in your ass.
X'D I lol'd first time, and it still gets me.
(All sent to me by a friend who plans to work as a barrister)
'What happens to a barrister when he takes v1agra? He gets taller.'
Barrister chat up line: ‘I’m a barrister. I’m trained to get you off’.
'How do you get 100 barristers in a Mini? You make 1 a High Court Judge and the other 99 will crawl up his arse.'
(My friend's future reputation looks bleak, indeed)
I've become obsessed with "That's What She Said" jokes ever since my friend bought me a shirt that says that. Despite being a girl, I am like the freaking queen of them amidst my friends!
That, and "in bed" jokes. You take any sentence, any sentence what so ever, and put the two words "in" and "bed" after it. Go on, give it a try (in bed) xD
A man in clingfilm trousers walks into the doctors office.
The doctor takes one look at him and says "I can clearly see your nuts."
I was wondering why the boomerang was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
What's invisible and smells of carrots? Rabbit farts.
sniggers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6luviDvr6c
not really a joke, but I cracked up..
A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods.
The bear leans over to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No."
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
XD
Two brothers share a room, the older brother getting the top bunk and the younger brother getting the lower bunk.
The older brother and his girlfriend have a code they use when they're having sex. "Tomato" means harder and "Lettuce" means faster. They were going at it one night and, true to their code, the girlfriend would cry out "Lettuce, Tomato, Lettuce Tomato."
Finally, the younger brother wakes up and says, "Will you two stop making sandwiches? You're getting the mayonnaise all over my bed."
I have a bunch of corny jokes I saw on Youtube...
Where does the king keep his armies? In his sleevies
Mickey Mouse was in divorce court and the judge says "So you uh wanna divorce your wife because she's crazy..." Mickey says "Uh no sir. I think what u heard me say was that she's f**king Goofy"
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says "Man it is HOT in here" the other muffin says "HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!"
How do you kill an elephant?
Huh?
With an elephant gun. How do you kill a BLUE elephant?
With an elephant gun?
With a BLUE elephant gun. How do u kill a RED elephant?
With a RED elephant gun?
Noo! You choke it till its blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a purple elephant?
U choke it till its blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Ha, fail, there's no such thing as purple elephants!
I saw those from a joke thing.
This I hear just around my school. No offense to anyone who reads these they're just for fun. =]
Yo mama's so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck.
Yo mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
Yo mama's so fat, she wore a blue shirt to the beach and everyone yelled "TITLE WAAAVVVVEEEEE!!!"
Yo mama's so ugly, Bob the Builder went up to her and said "Can we fix it? No we can't!"
Like I said, not meant against any of your mothers. Just some stupid jokes I heard.
OK, Mama Jokes! I like Mama Jokes!
Your Mama so fat, she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington's nose!
Your Mama is so old, when I told her to act her own age, she died.
Your mama is so old, when she was in school, they didn't have history!
Your mama is so ugly, Speed Stick slowed down and stopped!
Your mama is so ugly, when she went to the beauty parlor it took her THREE HOURS for an ESTIMATE.
Your mama is so fat, she walked in front of a TV and we missed TWO episodes of Friends.
One more...
Your mama's so stupid, she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company!
So a family goes to see a talent agent with an act that they planned. The talent agent asks them to preform the act.
[This next part has been removed]
Then the talent agent asks what the name of the preformance is, and the family says "The arisocrats!"
Oh God, I actually KNOW that one.
Listening to Gilbert Gotfried say it makes it all the more disturbing.
I also heard the version by Doug Walker. I laughed at both of them XD (I'm very twisted)
spits drink
DOUG WALKER MADE A RENDITION?
Oh I am THERE!
I'm also working on a version. It includes pictures XD
Hey, I'm also trying to publish a children't book XD.
Hey, I'm also trying to publish a children's book XD.
Hey, I'm also trying to publish a children's book XD.
Wow. I try to fix a typo at the last minute, and I do a tripple post. At least I got that typo fixed.
"Hey, I love your ass....assins creed 2 skills"
8D lolz. bestjokeeveramirite? (no)
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the white ball, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry in his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Oh, that's beautiful! Very nice one! I shall tell that one sometime!
This is one of my favorite lame jokes:
What is red and bad for your teeth?
-
-
-
A brick.